Why My MFA Doesn't Mean Sh*t

how timing is everything

Photo by Yukon Haughton on Unsplash

One of my greatest regrets in life is having done a low residency MFA program (between 2006-2009) during one of the most chaotic, unstable periods of my life. Where I am today, at fifty-one, would be the perfect stage in my life for an MFA program. Instead of pursuing yet another expensive degree, I have developed my own MFA program to re-educate myself and hopefully, do some of the best writing of my life.

Back then, I chased degrees to avoid life and feel some sort of accomplishment trying to prove my worth. Instead, I ended up with an embarrassing amount of student loan debt and unprocessed trauma.

Here is a breakdown of all the reasons why it wasn’t the best time:

Year one, 2006-2007: Get married to someone I did not know well enough who turned out to be a raging alcoholic. At one point my husband pours cough syrup down my throat because I am having a panic attack.

My first-year mentor sent me an unhinged email because I was supposed to be majoring in poetry and I wanted to work on a prose piece. He also encouraged me to read more “North American writers” when I chose books by Latinx authors.

In his defense when it comes to the poetry focus, this is yet another reason I was not ready for an MFA program. I was all over the place when it came to genre and, had no real plan.

Oh, during this time I am also working at a headstart where more than half the kids were on behavior plans. We got kicked, hit, spit on, and one teacher ended up with a concussion because a four-year-old threw a chair at her head.

Year two, 2007-2008: Husband and I are roommates. My daughter becomes chronically ill. I can barely keep a job because she is sick and home so often.

In year two, they assigned me a new mentor, poet Lola Haskins. Lola is an ethereal, otherworldly, poet and human being. She is the best thing that came out of my MFA.

Halfway through 2007, a psychiatrist diagnoses me with bipolar disorder. My medications change, and change, and change until they discover a cocktail of psych meds that are mildly successful. I cannot work anymore. I work part-time for a while, and then, I end up having to depend on my husband who I already needed to leave and student loans.

Fall of that year, my husband and separate. He is with someone new and at the very end of the year, I meet A.

I move into transitional housing with my kids to Bainbridge Island to slowly get back on my feet.

Year 3, 2008-2009: I develop severe anemia due to heavy bleeding and almost end up having a blood transfusion. I can only work a couple of hours a day at schools and daycares. I end up having a procedure. I end up taking out even MORE student loans.

I graduated in August 2009. None of my family made it to my graduation, but my friend Kyle was there, as well as A.

Which leads me to where I am now…

***

It took ten years to reap the reward of my graduate degree. I got a job as a full-time English instructor at a community college in 2019--a dream job. This degree made my career possible.

I may have not gotten much out of it academically due to my own lack focus, preparedness and instability, but I met the most beautiful human beings. I watched my peers publish poetry books, novels, short story collections. I watched them win awards. The prolific poet and founder of Two Sylvia’s Press graduated from the same MFA program, as well as award winning fiction author April Ayers Lawson. I saw what was possible.

I wasn’t prepared for this program, I didn’t do my best work, but I was introduced to a multitude of writers who inspired me, supported, and encouraged me.

***

I’ve mostly writen free verse, but through my own curriculum, I want to teach myself a variety of forms, challenge myself and become a better poet, because I owe this to my younger self.

My self-led “degree” is 100% focused on poetry, with a mix of poetry books and craft books on poetry. I will share the list below.

My plan is to share a little bit about each poet and their collection, write a reflection, and share personal connections. I hope to create visual art inspired by their writing as well.

These are some of the poets I am planning to study. This is an exhaustive list, and I do not expect to read a book by every single author, but I have given myself a variety to choose from.

(The authors with a book title are ones I have already read):

• Sage Herrin, The Shattered Muse

• Andrea Gibson, You Better Be Lightning

• Louise Gluck, The Wild Iris

• Mary Oliver, Dream Work

• Warsan Shire, Bless the Daughter Raised by a Voice in her Head.

• Morgan Parker, Other People’s Comfort Keeps Me Up at Night

• Donika Kelly, The Renunciations

• Susan Niemi, Yoni Provenance

• Evie Shockley

• Tracy K. Smith

• Franny Choi

• Mathea Harvey

• Lucille Clifton

• Audre Lorde

• Joy Harjo

• Natalie Diaz

• Nikki Giovanni

• Olivia Gatwood

• Diane Suess

• Doriane Laux

• Marie Howe

• Sharon Olds

• Olena Kalytak

• Marge Piercey

• Anne Carson

• Clare Pollard

• Jenny Zhang

• Megan Falley

• Elizabeth Alexander

• Eileen Myles

• Patricia Lockwood

• Charlotte Boulay

• Alicia Jo Robins

• Daphne Gottieb

Craft books:

• The Poetry Handbook, Mary Oliver

• The Poet’s Companion, Kim Addonizio

• How Dare We! Write, Sherry Quan Lee

• A Little Book on Form, Robert Hass

• The Poetry Home Repair Manual, Ted Kooser

• In the Palm of Your Hand, Steve Kowit

• Poetry as Spellcasting, Tamil Beyer, Destiny Hemphill & Lisbeth White