I Hope I Survive
a sort of prayer
I have so much to be grateful for. So many good things on the horizon. But unfortunately, conditions like CPTSD, panic disorder, bipolar disorder and ADHD do not always get the memo. They trick your brain. They ransack your nervous system. So, all you can do is hope that there is enough of a self, or a strong enough self, that will fight for you and fight for your future. I am okay. I am safe. I am just tired and anxious and sad.
I hope if you’re out there reading this and you feel this way, I hope you know you’re not alone. I hope you have a strong community, a trusted group of friends and family who take how you feel seriously. I hope no one is telling you that you’re just not trying hard enough. I hope no one is dismissing how you feel. I hope no one is telling you to put your symptoms away when company is over. I hope no one is saying that it isn’t that bad. I hope no one is asking you to just get it together.
Listen to your loved ones. Take them seriously. Hold them close. They are worth it.
I Hope I Survive For my son & daughter My sister My few friends My three dogs My cats My students I hope I survive Because I don’t know what’s on the other side Because I don’t want the bastards to win Because I love myself sometimes Because I want to see my grandkids again I hope I survive So I can write more poetry that nobody reads So I can paint more paintings that nobody sees So I can save more dogs and cats So I can have more phone conversations with my sister So I can try new restaurants with my daughter So I can finally buy my own house I hope I survive Then I can prove them wrong Then they can never again say I didn’t try hard enough Then my son & daughter will always have a mother Then my grandchildren will have a grandma to come back to I hope I survive, because I want to. But I hope I do more than just survive. I hope I inspire I hope I create I hope I love I hope I do it all fiercely and unapologetically. I hope it means something I hope it matters I hope it’s enough to make me stay. I HOPE I SURVIVE AND I HOPE YOU DO TOO.
This is really beautiful Kristy, thank you. I am in co-dependent’s anonymous and they have this great line ‘before CoDA, we learned to survive life, and now we learn to live life’. It really resonates with me, because it’s not just the surviving vs thriving paradigm, it’s just about living fully. It reminds me of what you said at the end of your poem. And hey, I read your poetry so it’s not nobody 🤭