Dear Kristy,
You have waited your whole life to meet me, and you’re so, so close.
You’ve been put through the same test over, and over again, do you see it now? You give your power away the moment you begin a relationship with a man. You ignore all the red flags, because you have been taught your whole life not to trust yourself. You have convinced yourself that your intuition, your spiritual gifts, are nothing more than symptoms of mental illness. So you ignore the warning signs. You fawn and freeze when things escalate, and you become despondent. You talk yourself out of recognizing abuse. You tell yourself this is as good as it gets. You’re crazy. You’re the problem. And you know what, they always agree with you, don’t they? Not because it’s true but because you are so willing to take the blame and they are unwilling to take accountability. You believe this is all you are meant for and all you deserve. But what happens next?
Every time, there’s a moment when you wake up because I finally re-enter your body. I remind you of who you are. You are a soul meant for so much more than a mediocre life, and you don’t deserve all the hurt, emotional manipulation, the trespassing of boundaries that you have endured relationship after relationship.
So I take over when you are on your knees. Just when they think you’ve given up. Just when they believe they’ve got you, that there’s nothing you wouldn’t sacrifice for their love. When they think they have all the control and all the power.
Sometimes you fight me and the more you fight me, the harder I fight back. You get sick, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep. You freeze. You fawn. You insist, “It’s me it’s me it’s me, you’re perfect, it’s all me.” And so often you’ve infuriated me. So often I wonder how many times you’ll have to learn the same lesson. But I’ve never given up on you. Ever. And I never will.
You must do something for me now, so that I inhabit you fully: You must accept and believe in your value, in your tremendous worth. Stop dismissing your spiritual gifts. Stop playing small with your creative talents. Stop believing that you don’t deserve great things, that you don’t deserve an amazing life. You hold on to so much guilt and shame. Your past choices, your regrets, do not define you. You are an incredible soul. You deserve to have the life of your dreams.
I’ve waited for all your existence, even before this most recent mortal incarnation, for you to embrace me. Please, don’t make me wait any longer. Don’t make us wait any longer.
People will judge you. They won’t understand you or even like you. Some might hate you. But the more you repress me the longer you will hate yourself, devalue yourself, and accept one toxic partner or friendship after another. The sharks smell blood. You will always be prey to the predatory as long as you care more about being accepted and validated, than you do about being wildly and unabashedly authentic.
You are not meant to just be liked by anyone. Especially the masses or the cowards. You are meant to trigger, to activate, and to step into your power with such authority and fierceness that no one can thwart you off your path ever again.
You are meant for great things. Our soul has a special purpose and you have known this since you were a child when you talked to Spirit with ease. You saw guides and ancestors. You saw the world through a filter you couldn't explain, so you quieted yourself. You learned to draw and write, play the piano, as ways to express what you felt, and what you knew to be true. But it was siphoned out of you through all kinds of abuse, by religious fanaticism, by toxic relationships, and your own self-doubt. You even let academia discourage your path. By now you should know how to integrate the two: academic knowledge with spiritual knowledge.
Let me tell you everything you have to look forward to in the near future if you just take my hand and trust me:
You will finally buy the house, the permanent abode you’ve dreamed of for decades. A home that is truly your own someplace where you have community. You no longer hold yourself hostage in your apartment because you’re so terrified of running into your ex or his friends. It won’t matter where this beautiful house is because, either way, you’ll stand in your power and no longer be afraid. You’ll be unshakable.
You will harness your spiritual gifts. You will no longer dismiss your intuition or make yourself small when someone mocks your beliefs or your path. This is what you absolutely MUST do to give me life. To give yourself the life you deserve.
You are done with toxic and abusive partners. Do you hear me? You. Are. Done. You will NEVER again give your power away. Instead, you will bask in your solitude, thrive in a community that is just right for you, commit to your spiritual and creative path, and never settle again. You no longer refer to yourself as “low-maintenance” as if it’s a flex. No. You are high-maintenance now. You decide who is worthy of you, your energy, your time, and your effort. No partner, if a worthy one comes along, will ever bring you down again.
You excel in your chosen field and career. You don’t stay quiet in faculty meetings anymore afraid that you’ll be criticised, or that you’ll say the wrong thing, the controversial thing. So what? You were not born into this world to be acceptable to others. Your purpose is to stir up the collective. Even when you’re wrong, you’ll inspire important, much needed, and often uncomfortable conversations.
You are kind, not weak.
Your empathy is intact, but so are your boundaries.
You don’t mistake attachment for love.
You don’t fawn or freeze anymore. You won’t have to, because you will finally transcend these patterns and lessons.
You are no longer embarrassed by your “too-much-ness,” because you know it serves a purpose. It brings discomfort to those who are too comfortable, those who believe they are entitled to comfort and those who are resistant to change. Your too-much-ness instigates reevaluation and regeneration.
Finally my dear child, you won’t question yourself any longer. You will surrender to me, to your Highest Self, with full trust and abandon. You will stop pushing against the tide.
I love you little one. I will keep waiting and I will never give up on you. But I wish you would no longer prolong your suffering. You are worthy of greatness.
Love,
Your Highest Self